Behold, I Have Returned From a Night Out in the City (Satire)

But I am also a person that wears many hats, figuratively and literally. Seriously, do you look this good in this headwear? I doubt it. My REI boonie is ruggedly respectable for outdoors, but check out this photo of me outside the club in my $300 tweed cap; it’s handmaid by an independent tailor that has a little shop downtown, you’ve probably never heard of it.

There’s an old adage, “In matters of principle, stand like a rock, in matters of style, swim with the current.” I’m swimming like a fish in these pics, just look at my selfies! I’m dressed to impress. I duplicated the mannequin at Express perfectly. Vogue Magazine called, they want to do a full page spread of me and my friends that night (OMG just kidding, but barely). The people, the drinks, the food, the music- all top notch! Heaven couldn’t be this good, just look at it!

Did I mention this club is EXCLUSIVE? I’ve included several shots of the exterior and its deliberately subtle, trite signage so you’ll know. Be jealous all thee yokels and country bumpkins of my meager hometown, I can and do mingle with the sophisticates in the more cultured circles of our cosmopolitan society. I’ve clearly made it, mine is no mediocre life, and even though I had to spend all of my monthly disposable income and half my food budget to make this nightly excursion possible, nobody needs to know that. I can survive on beans and packages of ramen noodles for a while. Maintaining a totally lit image these days demands sacrifices.

I even got a dope shot with a celebrity that was huge in the 90s. I’ll probably make it my profile picture later. Hopefully people that see it are naive enough to assume this celebrity is my friend, I wouldn’t want people knowing he took the photo with me so I’d finally leave him alone.

If nothing else, please understand upon reviewing this photo dump, that my life is totally NOT meaningless. Look at all the friends around me smiling! I am LOVED and appreciated. I am in no way trying to make up for my spiritual emptiness and lack of true companionship by indulging the worldly pleasures. It is just a bit of fun really, actually it is no big deal for me, I do it all the time. I’ll get around to finishing my degree, starting a rewarding career, finding a soul mate and raising children eventually. I always remember to stay grounded – notice I attached a #stayhumble hashtag on the last photo of me giving a homeless guy some money (that is a TEN dollar bill btw).

Remember the words of the world’s best hip hop artists and philosophers alike (probably); You gotta “live your best life.” If you are down to do it with me, you can request to come along with next time. Just shoot me a text and after letting it sit for a bit to make you think I’m busy and important I’ll get back to you. I’ll show you how to tear up the town. We just need to wait until after a payday next month, ok?

(Photo Credit: Vyacheslav Argenberg – Wikicommons)

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