February 7, 2023

The following is a transcript of Joe Biden’s remarks on the State of the Union, delivered to a joint session of Congress at the Capitol (parody):

“Mr. Speaker – unfortunately – Madam Vice President, our First Lady and Second Gentleman. Members of Congress and the Cabinet. Justices of the Supreme Court -whose names escape me at the moment – My fellow Americans…

Last year and the years prior, COVID brought together government and pharmaceutical industry like never before. We made a lot of money and established a lot of useful top-down coercive precedent. Unfortunately, the daggone vaccine didn’t work out as well as planned and people caught on to the scam. So the menace of COVID is over…for now. I have removed the state of emergency declarations in hopes you all will sort of forget what we did to you. Praise me for releasing you from my own imposing orders.

(Applause)

Tonight, we meet as Democrats, Republicans and Independents – but most importantly as Statists.

With a duty to blame one another so that we can collectively erode the Constitution without the public noticing.

And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always be cited while we push a soft tyranny over the people.

(Applause)

A year ago, Vladimir Putin started an offensive in Ukraine. Total villain, Putin. This has worked out quite well for us. In fact, we did a lot over the decades to make this happen, especially since 2014. No matter what the situation on the ground, just remember, we are winning.

(Applause)

Thanks to the complaint western media promoting Ukrainian President Zelenskyy as a victim and a hero, we have completely avoided scrutiny as we draw out this bloody conflict much longer than it needs to be. Our defense industry is making a boatload of money, we are making a case for growth of NATO and globalism, and we hope to get the regime change in Russia we so desperately want. Americans that question our actions or strategy there are obviously Russian assets, don’t listen to these voices.

Throughout our history we’ve learned this lesson – when we do not pay a price for aggression, we will keep doing it, even if it causes more chaos. We just need to do it behind the scenes.

Pray for Ukraine.

And pray for us too, because we are taking a risk by escalating this conflict with a nuclear power. But don’t say that part too loudly.

To all Americans, I will be honest with you, as I’ve always promised. A war like this has costs around the world, but of course you and your kids are going to pay most of it. Just be happy we are not sending your kids to fight – yet. This makes it easy to keep the billions of dollars flowing since you all can worry more about Chinese balloons floating across the US than what is going on overseas.

Gas prices are down my fellow Americans, but they are still up since I took the White House. Record profits were made, now we are hoping you will just feel relief relative to how bad it was before and not think about larger trends and factors that may have contributed to the rise in prices. Same for inflation. Remember, the increases in prices you are seeing are a result of greedy corporations. They have nothing to do with our reckless fiscal and monetary policy over the decades finally catching up with us. That is just a right-wing talking point. And we all know they are just soft-fascists. I was in the Senate for decades, if their claims of bad policy and legislation being a cause of our current situation were true, I would know about it, because I was involved with most of it.

So many families are living paycheck to paycheck, struggling to keep up with the rising cost of food, gas, housing, and so much more. We need more government to help with the pain. You might be skeptical.

I understand.

But I disagree. I remember when my Dad had to leave our home in Scranton, Pennsylvania to find work. I grew up in a family where if the price of food went up, you felt it. I got out of that poverty trap by getting a job in government. It has served me well for decades.

It can serve you too.

And if it doesn’t you could always ride a bike instead of owning a car. Bike riding hasn’t worked out well for me, but I digress…

My American Rescue Plan is more big government, but it just sounds better to call it that. While the Republicans winning the House in 2022 is probably going to fudge up my plans, this can be a good thing.

Because now, I can blame them for everything. And don’t forget Trump.

Oh for the love of God, don’t forget Trump. He had a document scandal before my document scandal, remember that.

With millions of dollars in funding and many friends in the corporate media, I’ll have all of you believing Republicans are responsible for every wart and pimple you find on your fat behinds. And when they try to play hardball with the debt ceiling, that will definitely mess things up even more.

This is fine, because what are you going to do in 2024? Vote for Trump again?

The culture wars are heating up. This is the perfect distraction from continued dismal economic numbers – and my approval numbers. Large majorities say the country is headed in the wrong direction too, but then again, they usually say that. What this country needs is more division! Division ultimately brings us together once we hit rock bottom – no place to go but up from there, so they say.

That is why we must continue to support further infiltration of Leftist doctrine in the culture. We need more racist revisionist history being taught in schools. More smut and porn masquerading as literature in children’s books. With Roe being overturned, we definitely need more abortion access at the state level and in Federal jurisdictions. We will use the bloated bureaucracy to promote all of it. Surely those that cling to their “founding principles,” their “objective morality,” their “Constitution,” and their guns and religion will continue to get angry and then we can gaslight them for it. If they ever make a decent case against it, don’t forget to remind them of the January 6th Insurrection – the worst day in American history by a long shot.

Like the clean and articulate President I served under once said, we must “fundamentally transform” America. I agree. And I will continue.

Anyway…I was supposed to recognize a bunch of people that have done things that my handlers say are helpful for my reelection, but it is past my bedtime and Jill says I get cranky.

So on this night, in our 246th year as a nation, I have come to report on the State of the Union.

And my report is this: the State of the Union is strong — because the government is strong – stronger than ever.

May God bless you all. May God protect the…bless the….troops..and America….oh you know the thing.

Good night.”